get in the game

I am choosing to be in the game rather than watching from the sidelines. What game? The game of life. The game I practiced for during my entire childhood. Through school, college, and beyond. Through decisions about jobs, relationships, and through negotiating with my own parents until I grew up and became a parent myself. We've worked hard to grow up! And now we can live life the way we want to. We can go after our goals and dreams.
We can play the game after all our practice. But how do we remember to do so?

Our children have come to expect that we will watch them do almost anything. And that we should. My son is one example. The other day, he asked me why I never came to his hockey clinic. (His clinic is essentially a class in hockey during which he learns to turn, do cross-overs and other such hockey skills, and that usually ends in a scrimmage.) When he asked, I was tired and irritable and I just initially blurted out, “Why should I watch you practice?” I went on to ask him if I expected him to watch me practice things, like swimming laps. I quickly then realized that this was a teaching moment and that maybe my son really waned to know why I didn’t watch his practice and so I changed my tone. “I’m sorry for being harsh with my answer.” I told him. “I’m sorry for being rude. I didn’t mean to be rude. And then my son was listening to me and so I continued. I told him again that his hockey practice is doing sports and sports are not about who’s watching. And practices are for him, as sports are. My son responded, “But why does Dad come watch my practices then?” (I am divorced from his dad). I responded “I don’t know.” My son replied, “Because he loves me.” "Yes, dad loves you," I told my son, “adults enjoy seeing their kids do things and they get pleasure from what their kids do.” I told my son that I enjoy watching some games, but that I don’t necessarily get pleasure from everything he does, and that he likes; that I get pleasure from seeing him do things he enjoys and from doing things I like. I added that everyone has their interests and that’s good.

By the time we got to hockey practice and it was time to drop him off (this discussion happened on the way to practice, in the car) I added my final point. I told him that although I wanted to write on my laptop during his practice, I realized I had to go to the grocery store to get the night’s dinner. I told him that instead of going to the grocery store and instead of watching him practice, I wanted to do some writing. I told him I wanted to do something for myself.

Then my son called me selfish. I responded that I wasn’t being selfish. I told him that all day I’d done things for everyone else: I’d taken care of the baby during the day, and then him and his sister. I asked my son if when he became an adult, would he like to not doing anything for himself – just take care of everyone else? He responded yes, but hesitantly. I asked him if he wanted to do anything as an adult – did he think he would have plans for his life when he was an adult or did he think he would just do everything for everyone else. I mentioned he would probably have plans for his life and ambition for himself. I reminded him that I have plans and goals and ambition.

He was then silent. I had gotten through to him.

You can get through to your kids by being honest. With them but first with yourself. Honestly, it’s o.k. to want things for yourself. You are a person. You don’t have to give up being a person when you become a parent. Your kids need to know that too. My son called me selfish for wanting to work toward one of my goals, writing, instead of watching him pursue his. Who was being selfish? Our kids are acting selfishly if they expect us to give up ourselves for their every act of being. It is not their fault. We are encouraging them by attending all of their sports and even practices. We need to stop not only for their sake but for ours as well.

Waking up from Robotic Parenting means remembering that you are a person too. And showing your children so that they will realize that you - and all adults - are worthy (of respect, consideration.......but that is another post!.)